I really wanted to nip in here while it is still (just) January to make myself feel better about things. I feel I've rather gone off course again for a while, which has been exacerbated by Christmas and new year, a birthday and a 'boomerang cold' that has refused to go and stay gone. Energy levels have been low, sleep patterns have gone off kilter and inevitably I've slunk back into bad habits. Winter blues and 'man flu' basically (yes women get it too!).
It is weird how I got to this ripe old age without ever really understanding or seeing the point of a diary, which equates to my instinctual distrust of maps and my dislike of rules. Rejecting maps, I used to attempt to follow my nose, which since my sense of direction is utterly appalling, was worse than useless, unless I was trying to find a particularly stinky toilet. Rules or instructions (particularly written ones) would give me the heebie-jeebies or make me want to do the opposite and diaries were just...well, boring. If a friend said "let me check my diary and see if I'm free" I'd actually feel offended!
It took me a solo-trip to Mexico in 1999 to discover that maps actually work and more recently to realise that actually I quite like rules after all. Why? Because it gives me something to work with - and just as importantly - something to work against, particularly in a creative context. When I used to teach photography, some students used to say "why do we have to follow this brief? Why can't I do whatever I want to do?" I do empathise with this viewpoint, but as I explained to them at the time, there's nothing like the 'tyranny of the blank page'. Having a brief or some guidelines to fulfill gets you started and means you also have something to react against. Nothing comes out of nothing. I remember myself as young photography student complaining that I shouldn't have to research other artists, I wanted to be 'original' and I didn't want to be 'tainted' by looking at another's work. Such naive arrogance! Actually, I only half believed this, because even then, I was well aware that it was really an excuse for laziness. Now I realise that none of us produce work in a bubble and we are all influenced - indeed inspired - by other peoples' creative outputs. What was once considered avant-garde before long becomes the 'establishment' and then in turn is 'torn down' by the next cohort of artists of every creed. I bet many watching the likes of Monty Python for the first time turn yawning with derision to their friends and say "God this is so tired, how many times have we seen this?" not realising how new and ground-breaking it was at the time. Impressionist painters such as Claude Monet revolutionised painting and now it's all chocolate boxes and tea-towels.
On the subject of my 'boring' diary, I now appreciate that like a map, or a set of rules, I need it to navigate my day, or I am lost. It was with some shock at the end of last year, that I realised that I am rather in love with my diary! In fact I have two: a big page-a-day diary to structure my day and the next few weeks ahead and a smaller one to carry around for appointments. How did I exist without them?! Since I am not in regular employment right now, they are even more essential for keeping me on-track and 'task orientated' (what a horrid unsexy phrase!) than ever before! Yes, I may go off-course, get demotivated and slack for a bit, but I find I quickly go back to 'my system' (and yes, it has become mine - it may have been something initially 'imposed' by the lovely Johan, but I've changed it and made it relevant and meaningful to me. In fact I should patent it!) because it works, at least most of the time.
I've also discovered a surprising fondness for drunken late-night washing-up, but that's another entry, which I (probably) won't bother to write up.
On that bombshell... I shall say goodnight, and goodbye January....it's been fun. Sort of...
