My thoughts and feelings about spending all day in bed.
Initially: glad. I didn't want to get up. I was sleepy. I felt cocooned and cosy and safe. I was drifting in and out of consciousness.
By about 6pm I was bored. I was starting to feel angsty. I was also feeling ashamed. I'd already been referring to this as my 'lost week' due to an extended weekend of friend visiting and too much consumption of various substances of various kinds - particularly alcohol. The bits I remembered made me cringe. Watching Shitfaced Shakespeare so hungover with a date I could hardly keep my eyes open; snogging someone I probably shouldn't have; crying the more drunk and emotional I became at a friend's joint 130th birthday family do. And misjudging that I was OK to walk home and falling over the bins outside, waking the landlady's daughter who helped me stagger up the stairs in far-too-high wedges (having completely forgotten I'd brought my flats out with me).
What else did I do that I don't remember? Oh creeping sense of shame. What do I do when I feel self-loathing? Indulge in my 'favourite' self-loathing behaviour and hole up in bed doing nothing. It becomes like a flaccid stick to beat myself with. I imagine people are disgusted with me, hate me; are angry with me and are talking about me. I feel dirty, wrong and I lay low - not to lick my imagined wounds, but to make them septic. I resolve never to drink again, but I know that is not the answer. To remember to drink water then, but that doesn't get me out of bed when I'm feeling like this. I can do this (as in do nothing) when I've been stone-cold sober. It is something from within - something that is sparked when shame or self-loathing kicks in. It says "you're no good - look at you doing nothing when you're perfectly capable".
I have a feeling I will only begin to change this when I accept it. I just don't know how. There are so many nuances to 'doing nothing'. After all, meditation is an art of actively doing nothing - peace and serenity arguably looks the same from the outside as seething self-loathing. Is acceptance the key?
Tuesday, 16 June 2015
Monday, 16 February 2015
Standing Up and Breaking Through Personal Blocks...
Yup, this is my first blog post in many months. Nope, I won't apologise for it because that is boring and pointless. Instead I shall briefly précis what's been occurring because there's been many changes afoot - many of them good!
Since my last post, I've tried my hand at stand-up. People have often commented that I'm funny and that my faceblob updates make them laugh so it seemed logical to give it a go and I signed up to a 12 week course by someone who has worked with many a successful comedian. If I was expecting the course to be a bundle of laughs, I was in for a disappointment. The person who ran it (who shall remain nameless) is harsh to the point of rudeness and it's tough to keep trying to come up with 'gags' in what I consider to be a really restrictive format and have them fail week after week. Despite hating it for the first nine weeks (and not being alone in that) somehow I started turning it around and got through the audition to the New Act Night and did my first (and quite possibly my last) gig. Terrifying! We were told we'd be buzzing afterwards and be on an amazing high - one I was looking forward to, as ever since my first acting début, where I was as high as a kite afterwards, I've been chasing that high. Sadly though I just felt rather flat - with a feeling of 'was that it?' Still...it was well received and I was glad I did it; so much so that I signed up to the advanced course, which I am now on. I am now of the opinion that I wish I'd saved my money and spent it on something else as I'm not particularly enjoying it but hey-ho. I've gone round the houses to discover what I knew all along - stand up is not for me. It's just not my bag. I have a huge amount of respect for the guts it takes but not so much for 'gags' and what I feel can be quite a tired format. I also like being a character - hiding behind a character! I met some 'character comics' who did the same course the other night at a gig. They did not get along with the tutor either; simply because they don't fit the format - yet their characters were genius!
Which leads me back to acting - I feel like I've disengaged with my acting over the last few years (possibly since Faustarse to be honest) and have neglected my so-called acting career. The procrastination continues with impressive consistency but the one-woman show about it eludes me - namely because I procrastinate about it!
I made a few goals at the start of this year - one of them being to get an agent (having been agentless since I left the dragon several years back). This seemed impossible as every time I tried, I was met with "what are you in at the moment?" and "send us your showreel" none of which I had. Addressing all of this seemed overwhelming and insurmountable and I didn't know where to start. The slow drip-drip of rejection, whether directly or through not being noticed, was also taking its toll, another reason why I was becoming disengaged. However, quite suddenly, things seem to be shifting. In January, I attended a course quite wankerly called 'Your Call To Greatness', which is about getting in touch with your intuition and despite being super skeptical it really resonated with me and has given me 'permission' to dream again.
Last weekend was the annual Surviving Actors event in London. I've always managed not to go and this time seemed no different. I had been offered a shift at work, I felt ill prepared but something made me say to myself "fuck it - just go!" So I did. I updated my CV and made a composite image of my headshots with my contact details on and off I went. Despite having a slight spat with someone in the queue who had a go at me for allegedly pushing in (sort of was, a bit) I had a brilliant day. I had a one-to-one with a lovely lady from Casting Call Pro who gave me some useful careers advice, I spoke with lots of interesting people on various stalls, I attended three excellent seminars - the last one was particularly inspiring - it was titled 'An Attitude For Acting (How to Survive as an Actor and Thrive)' by Andrew Tidmarsh, who co-authored the book of the same title which I had to buy, as from the sounds of it, it could've been written for me! I put down a deposit for new headshots and - I've bagged myself a new agent!! They are not particularly flash, I'm under no illusions that it will be career-changing but it is a start and pretty impressive to reflect that it's only February and I'm already able to cross off a key goal! Actually I have a Skype chat with another potential agent this evening, so I am delaying signing with them until then so I can make a decision, (or one's made for me) but either way I have (or will have) an agent, which I'm pretty darn chuffed about, as it's easier to get an agent (a better one) when you have an agent. Also it will get me to go back on Spotlight and pull my finger out in getting my showreel together. I have already upgraded my Casting Call Pro and updated my details so am feeling like I can start taking myself seriously again. I am also going to take some acting classes so I can freshen up my skills.
Attending Surviving Actors has definitely reinvigorated me and for the first time in a long time, things in this department are looking up!
Since my last post, I've tried my hand at stand-up. People have often commented that I'm funny and that my faceblob updates make them laugh so it seemed logical to give it a go and I signed up to a 12 week course by someone who has worked with many a successful comedian. If I was expecting the course to be a bundle of laughs, I was in for a disappointment. The person who ran it (who shall remain nameless) is harsh to the point of rudeness and it's tough to keep trying to come up with 'gags' in what I consider to be a really restrictive format and have them fail week after week. Despite hating it for the first nine weeks (and not being alone in that) somehow I started turning it around and got through the audition to the New Act Night and did my first (and quite possibly my last) gig. Terrifying! We were told we'd be buzzing afterwards and be on an amazing high - one I was looking forward to, as ever since my first acting début, where I was as high as a kite afterwards, I've been chasing that high. Sadly though I just felt rather flat - with a feeling of 'was that it?' Still...it was well received and I was glad I did it; so much so that I signed up to the advanced course, which I am now on. I am now of the opinion that I wish I'd saved my money and spent it on something else as I'm not particularly enjoying it but hey-ho. I've gone round the houses to discover what I knew all along - stand up is not for me. It's just not my bag. I have a huge amount of respect for the guts it takes but not so much for 'gags' and what I feel can be quite a tired format. I also like being a character - hiding behind a character! I met some 'character comics' who did the same course the other night at a gig. They did not get along with the tutor either; simply because they don't fit the format - yet their characters were genius!
Which leads me back to acting - I feel like I've disengaged with my acting over the last few years (possibly since Faustarse to be honest) and have neglected my so-called acting career. The procrastination continues with impressive consistency but the one-woman show about it eludes me - namely because I procrastinate about it!
I made a few goals at the start of this year - one of them being to get an agent (having been agentless since I left the dragon several years back). This seemed impossible as every time I tried, I was met with "what are you in at the moment?" and "send us your showreel" none of which I had. Addressing all of this seemed overwhelming and insurmountable and I didn't know where to start. The slow drip-drip of rejection, whether directly or through not being noticed, was also taking its toll, another reason why I was becoming disengaged. However, quite suddenly, things seem to be shifting. In January, I attended a course quite wankerly called 'Your Call To Greatness', which is about getting in touch with your intuition and despite being super skeptical it really resonated with me and has given me 'permission' to dream again.
Last weekend was the annual Surviving Actors event in London. I've always managed not to go and this time seemed no different. I had been offered a shift at work, I felt ill prepared but something made me say to myself "fuck it - just go!" So I did. I updated my CV and made a composite image of my headshots with my contact details on and off I went. Despite having a slight spat with someone in the queue who had a go at me for allegedly pushing in (sort of was, a bit) I had a brilliant day. I had a one-to-one with a lovely lady from Casting Call Pro who gave me some useful careers advice, I spoke with lots of interesting people on various stalls, I attended three excellent seminars - the last one was particularly inspiring - it was titled 'An Attitude For Acting (How to Survive as an Actor and Thrive)' by Andrew Tidmarsh, who co-authored the book of the same title which I had to buy, as from the sounds of it, it could've been written for me! I put down a deposit for new headshots and - I've bagged myself a new agent!! They are not particularly flash, I'm under no illusions that it will be career-changing but it is a start and pretty impressive to reflect that it's only February and I'm already able to cross off a key goal! Actually I have a Skype chat with another potential agent this evening, so I am delaying signing with them until then so I can make a decision, (or one's made for me) but either way I have (or will have) an agent, which I'm pretty darn chuffed about, as it's easier to get an agent (a better one) when you have an agent. Also it will get me to go back on Spotlight and pull my finger out in getting my showreel together. I have already upgraded my Casting Call Pro and updated my details so am feeling like I can start taking myself seriously again. I am also going to take some acting classes so I can freshen up my skills.
Attending Surviving Actors has definitely reinvigorated me and for the first time in a long time, things in this department are looking up!
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