In the Act of Procrastination and self loathing

My thoughts and feelings about spending all day in bed.

Initially: glad. I didn't want to get up. I was sleepy. I felt cocooned and cosy and safe. I was drifting in and out of consciousness.

By about 6pm I was bored. I was starting to feel angsty. I was also feeling ashamed. I'd already been referring to this as my 'lost week' due to an extended weekend of friend visiting and too much consumption of various substances of various kinds - particularly alcohol. The bits I remembered made me cringe. Watching Shitfaced Shakespeare so hungover with a date I could hardly keep my eyes open; snogging someone I probably shouldn't have; crying the more drunk and emotional I became at a friend's joint 130th birthday family do. And misjudging that I was OK to walk home and falling over the bins outside, waking the landlady's daughter who helped me stagger up the stairs in far-too-high wedges (having completely forgotten I'd brought my flats out with me).

What else did I do that I don't remember? Oh creeping sense of shame. What do I do when I feel self-loathing? Indulge in my 'favourite' self-loathing behaviour and hole up in bed doing nothing. It becomes like a flaccid stick to beat myself with. I imagine people are disgusted with me, hate me; are angry with me and are talking about me. I feel dirty, wrong and I lay low - not to lick my imagined wounds, but to make them septic. I resolve never to drink again, but I know that is not the answer. To remember to drink water then, but that doesn't get me out of bed when I'm feeling like this. I can do this (as in do nothing) when I've been stone-cold sober. It is something from within - something that is sparked when shame or self-loathing kicks in. It says "you're no good - look at you doing nothing when you're perfectly capable".

I have a feeling I will only begin to change this when I accept it. I just don't know how. There are so many nuances to 'doing nothing'. After all, meditation is an art of actively doing nothing - peace and serenity arguably looks the same from the outside as seething self-loathing. Is acceptance the key?