Feeling Blocked

I want this post to be about acting - not procrastination, but I have been procrastinating like crazy about writing it. I have lots of things to say, but I feel blocked. Not to be over-dramatic (moi?!) but it's been weighing on me a bit like having an albatross draped round my neck. And I know why... 


Whilst I'm waffling on with general musings about the whole actorizing malarkey, it's all very well, but the minute I write about my experiences regarding specific stuff I'm working on/have worked on, the greater the chances are of me being outed - and this shit ain't even live yet! I realise this might be therefore a great shock reading this - and yes, there should be an actress called Lauren Olivier, and may be even one who looks like this 'photo' - but, like all acting, it is a mask. I decided to use a pseudonym simply so that I could write about things freely and assumed that with a few changes of production names/ people names, everyone could stay anonymous and incognito, but now I realised that I've been too naive and should anyone who vaguely knows me stumble across this blog, I will be identified pretty quickly. Does it matter? Is it worse that I've tried to disguise who I really am? Does anyone even care? Am I just worrying far too much about what other people think? (nothing unusual there) I mean, it's not as though I intend to go off on a major rant or bitch fest about any individuals. Anyway, regardless whether my cover was blown or not, that just wouldn't be my style in a public domain. I might think it - oh lord I might think it - but writing it down is something else.


This was compounded just this week when I was working on a viral ad and had an awkward conversation regarding payment (which is one of the reasons why having a agent would be useful!). For those that aren't in the know, as soon as the buzz-word "viral" is mentioned, it means that it is being done on the cheap and the pay is nothing as compared to TV advertising. It's all a bit of a cheek actually, because the acting is still the same, the production values are still the same (although not perhaps "broadcast quality") all the same work takes place, but the company who wants it pays pin money. I accepted a role in this particular ad on this basis and was happy to get it. But then I had a bit of a dodgy moment with the production company regarding the invoiced amount prior to shooting, which seemed to differ to what was previously quoted (crossed wires I'm sure), which I was all willing to let go, when my fellow actor told me how much he was getting paid. Although it was clear from the start that payment was below Equity rates, I think there was a bit of a legal tussle about it, and therefore those with Equity were getting "a little bit more". Then I found out how much more and it made me a bit mad that they were quibbling about this small amount I had queried and thought I'd been quoted. It was no use, they were sticking to their guns and I guess it's my own fault since I am not currently a member. It makes it all the more galling that their particular membership was the £15 student membership and mine had run out last year and since I have not had much paid acting work, I felt I couldn't justify the upgrade to full membershiip. *childish moment* BUM BUM BUM BUM AND ARSE*. Anyway, I was trying to write this entry in longhand during one of the long waits on the shoot, when the 1st AD, with whom I had the payment conversation walked past and said "what are you doing? Are you writing in your diary? Be nice!" and I thought "Oh. Shit."


But you know, it's all experience... you live and you learn, blah blah blah. And at least I got the part, and it's all good for the CV and I worked with some lovely people. So there you are. That is nice. 

Three Steps Back...

Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I'd been doing really well, incrementally tackling the dreaded procrastination and I could see my progress and I was gradually feeling less...clogged. But the last week or two has been dreadful. I've regressed in a big way. Why? It's hard to say what triggers a downward turn, it's probably a combination of things. Looking back over the last week or so, I can see that my routine has gone totally out of the window, exacerbated by two heavy weekends in a row of over-indulgence and staying up to the wee hours. Then then the inevitable self-loathing sets in and I behave in ways that is not in my own best interest and this then all-too-easily becomes a vicious circle. 

I find that if I start the day off well, then it progresses well. If it's starts off badly, it's very hard to turn it around. The procrastination busting 'rule' is to be out of bed no later than 9am. I don't think I've achieved that more than once in the last week and a half, which is pretty shabby. If I stay in bed much later than that in any case, I can get this weird mindset on where it's "well, you've fucked things up for yourself so you may as well fuck 'em up good and proper". Truthfully I talk to myself at such times in a way I would never talk to anyone else, and not surprisingly it's self defeating. So I can literally waste a day, achieving nothing because I've started it off wrong and whilst wasting a day by choice (because you've been working hard and need to relax) can be wonderfully indulgent and restoring; here, for me, it is the fastest way to depression. I confess, (and thankfully you don't know my real identity) I am writing this at 4:12 pm still in my dressing gown. None of my tasks of the last week or two have been achieved...So how do I turn it around? 

Johan (who masterminded this procrastination busting thing in the first place) is going to give me a pep talk (and maybe a rocket up the arse) which will hopefully repoint me in the right direction. Ultimately though, I need to rely on my own self and my own resources; but I guess whilst I am going through this 'twelve-step programme' style recovery, I'll take all the guidance I can get. One thing I have realised is that aside from the heavy weekends and getting out of a good routine, I was slightly (ok, quite a lot) scared by the task of going back on Spotlight (the actors directory for casting agents and wotnot) and was daunted by the amount of work and focus (and if I'm honest, confidence, because the step after that is to get an agent) that I procrastinated with the more mundane tasks in hand, in order to avoid the more scary ones. This is a special ability of mine - The Avoidance Tactic!

The good news is that I have discovered a fabulous tool that I've been crying out for which stops you from accessing your time-hoovering websites. This is brilliant! I've spent all day posting on Facebook and having activated this little baby I am now locked out! I now have no idea on who has been commenting on the picture of the Hitchcockian-style seagull who has been holding me prisoner in my own home, because I was stupid enough to feed it. Of course, it's not foolproof, the extension I've added is for Chrome, and I can use another browser. I can also access it via my smart phone, but hey - it helps. Some might say you should be exercising your own self control, and in an ideal world I'd agree. But I wouldn't be writing this if I found that easy, and let's face it, the programmer wouldn't have made the extension if there wasn't a market for it. The link for StayFocusd is here: https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/laankejkbhbdhmipfmgcngdelahlfoji

Sweeping Things From Under the Bed

Having a nice high bed means I have a handy bit of space in which to dump things that don't really have a proper home. I am ashamed to say I have had not ventured under there in years and this shame forbids me to admit to how many. Let's just say that last week's procrastination exercise was rather like an archaeological dig; the deeper I dug, the more evidence I found of eagerly started and quickly abandoned projects, half read books and half written plays, long deceased relationships, as well as Lever Arch files of old course work and my previous career as a teacher. It felt good to excavate this site and clear away all this debris - sleeping on top of these skeletons would give any self respecting Feng Shui practitioner apoplexy. However, although the grave of my past was exhumed and sifted over, I was still at a loss as to where to permanently put some of these things and reluctant to throw it all away, it has quickly been reburied back under the bed, but definitely with less dust and hopefully more at peace.