Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I'd been doing really well, incrementally tackling the dreaded procrastination and I could see my progress and I was gradually feeling less...clogged. But the last week or two has been dreadful. I've regressed in a big way. Why? It's hard to say what triggers a downward turn, it's probably a combination of things. Looking back over the last week or so, I can see that my routine has gone totally out of the window, exacerbated by two heavy weekends in a row of over-indulgence and staying up to the wee hours. Then then the inevitable self-loathing sets in and I behave in ways that is not in my own best interest and this then all-too-easily becomes a vicious circle.
I find that if I start the day off well, then it progresses well. If it's starts off badly, it's very hard to turn it around. The procrastination busting 'rule' is to be out of bed no later than 9am. I don't think I've achieved that more than once in the last week and a half, which is pretty shabby. If I stay in bed much later than that in any case, I can get this weird mindset on where it's "well, you've fucked things up for yourself so you may as well fuck 'em up good and proper". Truthfully I talk to myself at such times in a way I would never talk to anyone else, and not surprisingly it's self defeating. So I can literally waste a day, achieving nothing because I've started it off wrong and whilst wasting a day by choice (because you've been working hard and need to relax) can be wonderfully indulgent and restoring; here, for me, it is the fastest way to depression. I confess, (and thankfully you don't know my real identity) I am writing this at 4:12 pm still in my dressing gown. None of my tasks of the last week or two have been achieved...So how do I turn it around?
Johan (who masterminded this procrastination busting thing in the first place) is going to give me a pep talk (and maybe a rocket up the arse) which will hopefully repoint me in the right direction. Ultimately though, I need to rely on my own self and my own resources; but I guess whilst I am going through this 'twelve-step programme' style recovery, I'll take all the guidance I can get. One thing I have realised is that aside from the heavy weekends and getting out of a good routine, I was slightly (ok, quite a lot) scared by the task of going back on Spotlight (the actors directory for casting agents and wotnot) and was daunted by the amount of work and focus (and if I'm honest, confidence, because the step after that is to get an agent) that I procrastinated with the more mundane tasks in hand, in order to avoid the more scary ones. This is a special ability of mine - The Avoidance Tactic!
The good news is that I have discovered a fabulous tool that I've been crying out for which stops you from accessing your time-hoovering websites. This is brilliant! I've spent all day posting on Facebook and having activated this little baby I am now locked out! I now have no idea on who has been commenting on the picture of the Hitchcockian-style seagull who has been holding me prisoner in my own home, because I was stupid enough to feed it. Of course, it's not foolproof, the extension I've added is for Chrome, and I can use another browser. I can also access it via my smart phone, but hey - it helps. Some might say you should be exercising your own self control, and in an ideal world I'd agree. But I wouldn't be writing this if I found that easy, and let's face it, the programmer wouldn't have made the extension if there wasn't a market for it. The link for StayFocusd is here: https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/laankejkbhbdhmipfmgcngdelahlfoji
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