I do sometimes wonder why I have picked a profession that is precarious at the best of times and a mean and fickle friend at the worst. Where one moment you can be brimming over with confidence and the next you can doubt your ability to walk and talk convincingly at the same time. However I comfort myself with the knowledge that when I was trying to have a sensible career as a teacher, it was still a lean and precarious occupation with part-time variable hours and short term contracts obliging you to effectively work a lot for free; sudden budget freezes, loads of prep and ungrateful 'audiences'. May be the two aren't so dissimilar... In many ways, it was becoming a teacher that re-ignited my 'guilty secret' of performing, long suppressed as a teenager. When I left teaching, burnt out, I did briefly think about retraining in something practical and tangibly useful, such as plumbing, but then I remembered that I'm about as handy with a spanner as an orangutan with an iPad and since you never get a standing ovation for unblocking a u-bend, I decided to 'follow my dream'. Trouble is unless you're a 'success' (and defining that is never easy - even well-known actors fall on hard times and crisis of confidence, according to many of their autobiographies) one can easily start to wonder if 'following your dream' is just another way of saying you're deluded. Particularly as the lack of stability and 9-5ness highlights any procrastination-based transferable skills you may have acquired and naturally I'm the first to admit that I have those in abundance!
So weeks can pass with nothing promising acting-wise on the horizon - except vague assurances or promises that I've learnt not to pin anything on. A few workshops here, a ten minute play there and a crashingly boring film all pass, making the nightmare, yet adrenalin filled experience of Faustarse fade into memory as a dull ache. Never do I want to experience that way of working again, but why oh why can't things be blended into a 'smoothie' of a constant and manageable workload of paid, yet exciting and stimulating work, with interesting and supportive directors? Well, apparently it can't, because acting ain't like that, and neither is real life, which is why I have decided to write my own one woman show in partnership with a friend and sometimes collaborator, but more on that another time...
In the meantime I have had two auditions in a week. Last week I had one for an interactive audience-participation improvisation piece of site specific theatre-type-thing in London. It was a two hour workshop audition and I felt very comfortable and in my element. It was a very young company in both senses of the word and I had at least ten years on the next oldest person there, and many of them seemed to know each other. it was the second of two large workshop auditions and therefore I made some bold choices in order to stand out. Perhaps with the benefit of hindsight, drawing 'Hitler' on my balloon character and trying to 'sell' a ball ("I only need one ball you see") to another balloon character did not endear me to the casting crew as someone to lead an innocent audience member though their 'life' as their 'avatar', but then you never know. I just know I didn't get it.
Today I auditioned for a research and development workshop of a play, which if I get will be improvised this weekend. Didn't get off to a great start, was slightly late, discombobulated (not least because the lovely Johan lives just across the road, but the less said about that the better) and I wasn't great on my audition piece. The writer was clearly not impressed but directed me to do it differently, which I did, so at least I showed could take direction. Prior to this we'd discussed money; "between £70 - £100 depending on experience", she'd said, and obviously I grabbed at the higher figure, else I would I seem to lack belief in my own ability if I'd picked the lower. Besides it's a day's work spread across two days, so it seemed fair. But discussing money is never comfortable, at least for me, especially when she pursed her lips and said "well let's see what you can do then.." (I've since learnt that my kind 'civilian' friend who knows her through their kids and recommended me, revealed that I often "work for free". Hmmmm.... How do you thank someone for recommending you whilst gently cursing them for revealing my desperate-to-work and 'amateur' status?). More appropriately for what she actually wants me for, the writer then asked me to improvise a piece for her (although rudely as a 50/60 year old - shall I just get my coat?!). This one she liked and thought much more 'real' than the audition piece I'd prepared for her. I will find out tomorrow if I'm successful. Since I thought I'd done well on last week's audition and didn't get it, I'm half tempted to think since this one went at least partially tits up, it's in the bag. But I won't.
It only takes a few knocks to feel rather bruised and life has dealt a few hard blows recently. Whatever the outcome I shall try and adopt an attitude of 'hey ho...' I was surprised to hear a good friend, who has had much success - at least in the world of advertising castings, complain last week over a pint how lacking in confidence in her own abilities she currently feels. At least I am in good company then. Peaks and troughs mate... peaks and troughs.
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